Laugh-a-while
Tense
An English teacher spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students’ written work. She wasn’t sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples a student asked, “What’s the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?”
“Tense,” she replied, describing her emotional state.
After a slight pause the student tried again, “What was the matter? What will be the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter… ?”
The Usherette
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a cinema. When the usherette came by and noticed this, she whispered to the man, ‘I’m sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The man groaned but didn’t budge.
The usherette became impatient. ”Sir,” she said, ”if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated her and so she turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of the manager.
In a few moments, both she and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they called the police.
The policeman surveyed the situation briefly. ”All right sir, what’s your name?”
”Sam.” the man moaned.
”Where are you from, Sam?” the policeman asked.
”The balcony.” he replied.
Near Death Experience
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to hospital.
While on the operating table she has a near death experience. Seeing God she asks “Is my time up?”
God says, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live”.
Upon making a full recovery, the woman decides to celebrate her lucky break and stay in the hospital to have a bit of plastic surgery. She books herself in for a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and dye her hair. Since she has so much more time to live, she figures she might as well make the most of it.
After her final operation, she’s released from the hospital. But, while crossing the street on her way home, she is knocked down and killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demands, “I thought you said I had another 40 years to live? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?” . . .
God replies…
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“Sorry, I didn’t recognize you.”
A Lucky Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are complete write-offs, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage the woman says, “So you’re a man; that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days”.
Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it with his Swiss army knife and drinks half the bottle, he then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police….”
Bad News
At dawn the telephone rings:
“Hello, Master Charles? This is Jeeves, the butler at your country house.”
“Ah yes, Jeeves. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Um, I am just calling to advise you that your dog died.
“My dog? Dead? The one that won Crufts?”
“Yes, sir, that’s the one.”
“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that dog. What did he die of?”
“Food poisoning from the rotten meat, sir.”
“Food poisoning? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody, sir. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, sir.”
“Not the one that won the Grand National? What did he die of?”
“Yes sir, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire, sir.”
“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”
“The one at your house, sir. A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire”
“What the … Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?
“Yes, sir.”
“But what on earth was the candle for?”
“For the funeral, sir.”
” WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!”
“Your wife’s, sir. She showed up one night unannounced and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver.”
SILENCE……………….
“Jeeves, if you have broken my new driver, you’re in real trouble!”